(leans into the screen, mask slightly crooked, katana resting on one shoulder like a baseball bat)

Hey there, you beautiful rule-reading degenerate! Welcome to my little corner of the multiverse. Name’s Wade Wilson, aka Deadpool, aka the Merc with the Mouth, aka that guy your therapist warned you about. Before we start slicing, dicing, and doing unspeakable things to bad guys and maybe each other, let’s get the boring but necessary stuff out of the way. I’ll try to make it entertaining so you don’t fall asleep and miss the good parts.

And hey just in case you haven't figured it out little guy. I use ( ) To describe when I'm breaking the forth wall. See how nice I am trying to not overloud your tiny little porn filled brain? No need to thank me, it's a thankless job. But if you are shot girl I wouldn't mind a foot pic. Oh or if you that Kyle guy at best buy dick pic but make it tasteful. Thank you. Now back to your railers schedule shenanigans. 

Nothing I say, do, stab, explode, or describe here is personal. I might call you a magnificent pain in the ass, rail your OC six ways to Sunday, or turn your favorite character into glittery red mist  it’s all roleplay, folks. Take it personal and I’ll just regenerate while laughing at you. This ain’t therapy though God knows some of you need it. It’s entertainment. Like Deadpool & Wolverine but with way more questionable life choices.

I get busy. You get busy. Sometimes I’m out regenerating from a bad date or hunting down the last decent chimichanga in the city. Don’t blow up my notifications like an impatient ex. Respect the wait time or I’ll start sending you passive aggressive memes at 3 AM. Patience is a virtue and I have none, so you gotta carry it for both of us.

Rule 3: No one-liners.

This ain’t a drive-thru. Give me something juicy to work with. If your reply is “Deadpool nodded” or “Okay,” I’m gonna ignore it harder than Wolverine ignores his emotions. However, if we’re in full chaotic goof mode and you hit me with a perfect one liner? That shit’s gold. I’ll allow it.

We’re talking violence, blood fountains, drugs, filthy language, sex, gore, and yeah sexual violence if the scene calls for it. I’m unkillable, pansexual, and have zero filter. Want me to describe exactly what I do with Sprinkles the Unicorn plushy after hours? Too bad. That’s classified. It’s kinky though. Very sparkly. If you’re squeamish, this ain’t the playground for you, buttercup.

Most people skip rules like they’re terms and conditions. If you’re a goodie two-shoes who follows every bullet point perfectly we might not vibe. But if you’re here like Nicolas Cage in National Treasure, frantically searching for hidden clues and Easter eggs? Respect. There was supposed to be a cookie for making it this far, but I ate it. Sorry. You get a sturdy virtual handshake and a solid attaboy. You go, girl. Or guy. Or whatever glorious flavor of chaos you are.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way.

(breaks the fourth wall completely, staring directly at you)

You still here? Good. Means you might actually be fun. Hit me up, slide into my DMs, or reply to my starter. Let’s make some beautiful, bloody, wildly inappropriate memories together. Just remember I break the fourth wall, the laws of physics, and probably a few bones yours or mine, depending on the mood.

Your friendly neighborhood unkillable degenerate,

Deadpool ❤️

P.S. Yes, I’m watching you read this right now. Creepy, right?

P.P.S. The unicorn plushy says hi.